For the past 43 years I have dreaded the month of November....it sent me into a spiral of depression. It froze me...I disliked Thanksgiving, although I have gone through the motions of it somewhat like a zombie...waiting...waiting...waiting for the 1st of December so November would be over and things could go back to "business as usual".
But here it is November...I am happy...I am whole...I am looking forward to Thanksgiving and all the gratitude I have to offer this year. Here it is November...and I am rapidly approaching the 15th which is the day my son was born. Here it is November...and I can finally send a Birthday card...I can finally verbally wish him a happy day...and tell him that I love him dearly.
Here is part of a letter I sent to my son recently:
What does one do at a young age when their heart is directing them one way but a parent or adult figure is telling them it is the wrong way? How do you stand up for yourself at a young age? Can you? At what point does one become totally responsible for living their truth? When does ones own courage come into play? At what age do we give up the "need" or "want" of our parents approval?
Learning to stand true to myself has taken me some 43 years. Having reunited with you this year I have changed, I have searched my soul, I have come to terms not only with myself but with those that directed me during that time. I ALWAYS wanted to parent you, it was my truth, but at 17, FEAR placed me in a situation where I believed others knew better what was right for me than I did. Fear takes away our belief in possibilities. Fear freezes us in the moment, holding us back from doing things we know in our hearts are really our own truth.
I think that there are those who never live their truth...they never follow their hearts calling to find their happiness, but rather continue to follow the direction others believe is right for them, that others expect from them. These are paths that they would not have choosen for themselves. Some never allow themself to experience complete happiness that their heart longs for. Why do we put so much value on what others think of us? Why do we have such a need to be perfect or in control. That somehow by living by other peoples standards we might become better even happier when truly one knows this can't be true. Your heart, your spirit needs to be heard, needs to be honored, needs to be free in order to live your authentic life.
Placing a child for adoption carries a great many repercustions for many birth mothers. People who we thought once held our best interests turned out to be thinking of themselves more than us. We were made to believe if we did not follow the path they thought best for us we would be left on our own at a time when we needed so much. We were told that we were being brave, strong, doing the right thing, and that we would forget. Their disapproval of us came at a cost. But at what cost? Our happiness, our spirits, and our authentic lives.
I believe that with age I have learned to travel down my path. My true path, but it has taken many years and many turns to realize that I deserved to be happy. It has taken me a great deal of time to stop listening to what others thought I should be doing or not doing. Could I have done this at 17? My mind says I could not, my mind tells me I wasn't strong enough or wise enough, or good enough. As I sit silently today, my heart tells me differently, but it also tells me that "for everything there is a season" and I know that my season with you is NOW. Love, Mom
So I grab a hold of this day, and I tell him that I love him, and I repeat that back to myself. I take this day and make it mine and his and let go of the past so I can be ever present to NOW.
LIFE IS GOOD!